Caldwell voted to go Full Commie, here’s what to expect

Yesterday Comrade Lace and his sanctimonious sycophants succeeded in scrapping 9 years of successful local government by convincing a majority of our citizens to embrace higher taxes, less freedom, and a return to iron fisted Democratic Party rule. Republicans Dassing, Hauser, and Fiore are out; three more Democratic Socialists Kelley, Rodgers, and Schmidt are in.

So what can we expect come January 1st? Well, in the immortal words of the late Ed Koch, “The people have spoken and now they must be punished.”

Borough Administrator Paul Carelli is out, to be replaced by a Maureen Ruane clone. That is they’ll appoint someone who’s willing to overlook the niceties of Council resolutions when disbursing taxpayer funds to Party apparatchiks. CFO/Borough Clerk Lisa O’Neill is out too. In her place they’ll dig up a half-dead retired CPA who’ll pretend to provide “oversight” from his vacation home while “misplacing” $120,000, or more. And of course Borough Attorney Greg Mascera’s services will be terminated and a reliable Democrat installed in his place.

In fact no one’s job at Borough Hall or the Community Center is safe. Dick Codey needs to plant his pension-padding party loyalists in positions of power so anyone in his way is gonna get kicked to the curb. Think of it this way, Mayor Dassing’s philosophy of government run like a business will transform overnight into new Mayor Kelley’s vision of government run like the DMV, only worse.

And then the Real Fun can begin. Because Comrade Zampolit Lace needs us to Get Woke. So no more curbside leaf collection. And I’ll wager that he’ll make us compost our Christmas trees in our yards too. Because the econuts have oodles of time on their hands to shove yard waste into those silly paper bags and they figure the rest of us do too. And if you’ve got bum knees like me and can’t handle all that bending and fetching, tough. They’re on a Mission and we’re just collateral damage.

Speaking of bags, your new Politburo will ban them. Plastic, paper, it doesn’t matter. You will cart around those germ-infested cloth bags while you shop and you’ll like it. Everybody has to pitch in to Save The Planet. And if you forgot to bring one, or just stopped off at Jacks for a few things on your way home from the bus, you’ll have to purchase another “reusable” bag. Think of it as the first of the many new taxes they’ll impose while curtailing our freedom.

After they ban plastic grocery bags they’ll ban plastic straws, plastic cutlery, plastic takeout containers, and styrofoam too. Your convenience is no match for their activism. Remember, it’s time to Get Woke, peasant!

Next on the Progressive Socialist hit parade? Making Caldwell a Sanctuary City, and setting up “needle exchange” for our opioid addicts. Plus a mandatory $15 minimum wage for all businesses in town and quotas for minority hiring. All of which will, of course, ensure that Bloomfield Avenue soon resembles the wastelands of formerly prosperous towns like East Orange and Irvington as merchants move away to preserve what little profits Democrat Governor Phil Murphy allows them to keep.

Ah but then they can declare the Avenue “blighted” and impose a Redevelopment Plan featuring the urban socialists’ dream of “mixed use” architecture. Imagine high-density high-rises in the East German style lining Bloomfield Avenue, concrete monstrosities with street level retail spaces featuring the usual urban hipster blend of overpriced coffee shops, marijuana dispensaries, used clothing boutiques, and vegan juice bars. Above that they’ll put unibox apartments designed by brutalists according to UN approved “green building” specs. Does that mean every flat gets exactly one composting toilet? Of course it does. It means the whole ugly thing will be wrapped in solar panels too.

And what’s a $15 minimum wage if they can’t enact it for public employees as well? You might have heard them promise to keep our taxes in check but deep down in your hearts you know they were lying. (The first clue being their enthusiastic support for the Full Day Babysitting Boondoggle tax hike.) They’re gonna raise taxes on everything that’s not standing still. And then they’re gonna pass out the goodies to their favored constituencies — public employees, welfare queens, and illegal aliens. You think our taxes are high now? Just wait until their need to virtue-signal “compassion” intersects with your wallet.

Then they’ll administer the coup de grâce. A local income tax. It’s the only way to get around the 2% property tax cap. Governor Murphy set up the framework for Jersey City but left the door open for any town to impose one for “good cause.” And what’s a better cause than Progressive Socialism? BOHICA!

Do I have to go on? Because I’m getting depressed. This is what you geniuses voted for Caldwell. So don’t come crying to me when you get it, good and hard.

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